Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Superfluous Backstory!

Okay, so I lied about starting the game in this next entry, but that's only because I'm not at home like I expected to be and don't have the game on this computer, but DO have access to the screenshots I already uploaded to Google's lovely Picasa service, and I can work with that, damn it. All we need is a little imagination. And fairy dust.

And google image search. Anything that's not a screenshot of mine is either gallium or dr. Doom.

Champions Online doesn't have a "backstory" segment, I feel I should point out, this is just me playing with pictures from an alternate character. The beginning of the game, next entry, immediately follows the end of the character creator, dig? Marvelous.


One fine day in the Southwest Desert, a lackluster Geology student named William was hiking about searching for mineral samples in a last-ditch effort to pull a C average in the class. Though he was a clever enough lad, young William simply wasn't cut out for geology, but since he was at the university on a football scholarship, he couldn't simply drop the course. Fearing for his position on the champion football team (The *DATA EXPUNGED* State Tardigrades) (Audience: Cheer!) his Geology professor had shown blatant favoritism and given him one last chance: unknown to most, one area of the desert kept turning up discoveries of trace amounts of Neutronium, a rare, indestructible element normally only found in collapsed stars. Intending to bring a Neutronium pebble back to the geology department's rock gallery in lieu of actually completing his final, William had set out early that morning to comb the desert for the elusive rock, taking only the clothes on his back and his resentful lab partner Daniel.

Most unfortunately, young William had little more skill with geography than he did with geology, and within three hours he was separated from Daniel and hopelessly lost! (Audience: Gasp!)

After wandering for hours and beginning to suffer the early effects of dehydration, William stumbled upon something that seemed slightly out of place. (Audience: Ooooooh...!)

Why, perhaps this was what he had been looking for in the first place! William leaned in to get a closer look at the strange boulder and to retrieve a sample.

Much to his surprise, before even taking out his chisel and hammer, a small chunk of shiny material dislodged itself and fell from a fissure in the boulder.

It was unlike any material William had ever seen before! Quickly scooping it up to put it in his backpack, he was startled to discover the material melded to his hand! (Audience: Gasp!)

Shocked, William stared as the strange meteor rock melted into a liquid and coated the palm of his hand, only to realize with horror that the liquid was actually seeping into his skin! (Audience: Murmur.)

Efforts to shake the material loose proved to be futile, and William, in a panic, took off running, hoping to find a way back to the road and a hospital. However, he still had no idea where he was going, and wound up even further from his car than he had been before.

Cresting a hill some hours later, he was greeted with a sight that nobody really wants to see:

(Audience: Scream!)

Fortunately, William was thrown so far by the explosion that he landed in the middle of the highway, miraculously alive. (Audience: Relieved Sigh!)

He was taken to the nearest small town's hospital, at which he was airlifted a short fifteen hundred miles to Millennium City to be put under observation in quarantine. For you see, young William had begun to develop strange symptoms in the bed of the pickup truck back to town, which by the time he had reached the hospital were quite obviously serious.

In fact, by the time of his arrival in Millennium City, he was hardly recognizable.

Kind of like this picture of Dr. Doom from the Fantastic Four movie! But not quite! But sort of!

Surely, this couldn't be healthy! The doctors found themselves unable to help young William, though, as every time they tried to take a sample, their needles bent, their scalpels broke, and their X-Rays and MRIs were simply reflected back at the machines. William's condition was a complete mystery, and seemed only to be getting worse and worse, until...!

ROCKS FALL, EVERYBODY DIES. (Audience: Applause!)

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